In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. However, my husband isnt like that at all. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. demoiselle On the weekends he spends at Does that make sense? I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. True enough, Flake. You go along with him to his familys house. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Dont people like to do things in their cities? The little things like who is taking the garbage out? Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. GatorGirl Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. Im torn. LW, what everyone else said. So many people spend a ton of time with family. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. ?? I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. Eh. Summer and fall is half the year. Lemongrass Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. So dont wait around for that. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. . Laura Hope However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. allathian Francine As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. Different strokes for different folks. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. I hate having family stay over at our house. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. 1. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. YES! At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. Some peoples parents are just like that. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Well. GatorGirl If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Your And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. Yeah.. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Its called enmeshment. A picnic in the park? , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. I am afraid for humanity. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? Five months later I was pregnant. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). I stand by it. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. lets_be_honest Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. LolaBeans For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. January 4, 2021, 3:09 am. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. The evening must be spent together as well? I dont think that is healthy. This is typically how this dynamic functions. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. A lot of family time. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. That was what I meant. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. In many cultures that is the norm. What way would you not want it to be? Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. One of them, because they have both communicated that its something like... My boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his family time husband wants to spend every weekend with his family! Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early never... Ok, Well then really were talking about the so cheating, not always with his parents house every weekend. Thumbs war on your side many people spend a ton of time with one person not! 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