One notable occasion was when I got interested in a new industry and there was a 3 day workshop I wanted to attend. But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. When I have the house to myself for a few days, I like to use some of the time for cooking experiments. WELL I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO AFTER 20 YEARS MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOUD PROBABLY JUST BLITHELY DUMP HIM THEN TOO. Don't ever try to stop them, you need for them to realise they need to stop or cut back. Hell, take steps to meet some new people anyway. I try my best, Im not always great about it, but now when I feel a case of the shoulds coming on, directed at him, I redirect the energy. There are a few reasons Ive heared suggested that sort of personality can seem really familiar and thus a comfortable and easy thing to be around (because its what youre used to). It was easier for him to say eat soup, no not that soup, get more cardio than say I was really scared when you got so depressed you couldnt get out of bed. But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. I cant believe you just did that to me etc etc. Even if you end up staying, youll be on much better footing if you know youre not bound there by circumstance. I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. Well, I mean, as someone who prefers her boys on the skinny side, it is totally true that everyone gets to have preferences. All couples fight but if every single argument ever leads only to him feeling like you dont want to work on it, then that is definitely something for the two of you to discuss. My next question is maybe an obvious one, but what would happen if you didnt have a self-appointed expert on you and what you should be doing jump down your throat about all of your life choices or give you the silent treatment in your life at all? When I started to develop some self-confidence! You are more than good enough you are wonderful, no matter what you are doing, what choices youve made today. At first, these negative aspects of our relationship were very minor. All of the Captains response has me leaping up saying Yes! because I so agree. Also, if its pre-arranged (and do make sure she agrees, of course), its harder to back out than it is to decide not to go over to see somebody else. Hes interested in his version of you. Its like, I am going to have a short break from the environment that is making me so unhappy. A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. It is better to be on your own than to have the weight of someone elses expectations on you. Therefore it can never be a cure or anything more than an occasional thing. You are doing exactly what you need to do, and do not need to do more because someone else says so. Please think about this carefully. I found it odd at first that my marriage broke up after I got to feeling better through therapy (by my measure and my therapists.) If your partner loves you, then he'll be open to working on them with you. Hes demanding you account for the stuff you do when hes not there, and is a condescending asshole about it. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. You can also find out through careful observation of his actions. So, my friends often come over here. If you confront your partner about possible infidelity and get this deflective response, you probably want to start paying closer attention to their whereabouts. To literally hear them from an external source that would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy. But it still got on my last nerve, and undermined my motivation to develop healthy habits. I can think of several people in my life who must have read that book. If theres child support or alimony involved, the presence of those forms should be able to take care of the financial requirements.). Expressing or directing anger towards the person in recovery from a medical condition? He says, You should exercise. A year ago, that would have maybe resulted in you shuffling your feet and cycling through guilt about how yes, you should probably exercise but you just cant. You know your boyfriend and your own situation better than we do, so I trust you to figure out who and what you are dealing with and take steps to care for yourself. I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch. And if you have depression??? Validation. But I didnt realize just how miserable his misery was making me until it got to the point where I was rolling my eyes at him and dismissing comments (not always out loud, but sometimes) as being stupid or idiotic. It wasnt until a few months of this that I realized just how acutely disrespectful my words and actions were, and it took another few weeks before I finally put together that continuing to live with someone for whom Id lost all respect wasnt doing either one of us any favors. Its ok to challenge yourself sometimes and then hang out in your comfortable space! My family hated that I smoked and were anxious about what it was doing to my health, my boyfriend hated it, my friends hated it but trying to quit for other people never worked. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. This was where I got very concerned. Relax. LW, if his advice and criticisms increase as you gain self esteem and do better, he may have real self esteem and control issues of his own. I think this is great advice. Dont let b/f make you feel otherwise, and if he cant change, dont be afraid to walk away. I noticed that when I bicycle up hills, a lot of times whatever upset me that day/week/month will start to replay at fever pitch inside my head. it doesnt extend to someone elses body/diet/etc, and EVEN IF YOU WERE OKAY WITH THAT or had asked his advice (and you do not ever have to), you still get 50% weight, which is the ability to say Thats nice that you think that, but Ive decided nope. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! So few people seem to get this. He comes on strong. Continuing to put in effort for someone who isnt putting any into you is only going to lead to more frustration and resentment neither of which will make either one of you happy or satisfied long term. He seems to have set up this power imbalance in the relationship where he is right and the one to be listened to and you are the one who needs to be told what to do and that makes me very uncomfortable. Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything . I have friends who spell it shud because they think its a four-letter word. LW, your story really, really made the back hairs of my neck stand up. I did not fail. Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. Well, that just gave me a case of the Screaming Nopes. He didnt like it when I asked him to not share diet advice. Hindsight, sigh. I am going to assume that dude loves you and just wants to help you get better because he knows you want to get better.. Replace depression with cancer, and see what Im talking about. LW, if he is not listening to your stated boundaries, its not because you are not being clear/logical/reasonable enough so he can understand. I had a sudden and first time episode of pretty bad depression after being with my husband for 5+ years. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). Fun schmun, he can chop thirty onions and keep his mouth shut. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. and exercise a few years ago. Some of the links on this website are affiliate links. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. He used to love spending time with you and he always had a smile on his face when the two of you were together. 5. Weve broken up now and I think its safe to say were both much, much happier. I wish our society did not have such a negative view of women who have low moods. The first step is to find out why he stopped making an effort and this may surprise you. The first few times you resist his help, I think he is going to release the Logick Kraken, who will logically and patiently recount all of the ways that you could be better if you only tried harder. Just wanted to clarify that, unlike LWs boyfriend, I never tried to help my ex. They write because stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to fix it (without breaking up). Thank you so much. 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. [6] Say something like, "I've noticed you've been a little distant lately. She did all that and I struggle even getting out of bed in the morning? He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. Cant remember him ever doing this either. Good luck LW, and I hope you get to see how much better life can be when someone isnt actively holding back your awesomeness. Why would they do that to me?. Also the related ones of oh, everyone feels like that [i.e. Your boyfriends Exercise more! Stop the "blame game" and examine your part in disputes or conflict. Anonymous. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. A person who is invested in their role as the Helper and in your role as Lumpy Clay Who Must Be Sculpted is going to try to convince you that setting boundaries here is not in your best interest. LW, if you want the thoughts of a former terrible girlfriend, mine are: Your boyfriend isnt concerned about you. Hmmm, actually, that wasnt the post I was thinking of. is toxic and controlling, and this: Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard., It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. This is not one of them. Get him to chase you instead." That is good friendly advice but there's a little more to it than that. Make sure that the issues you address in your list are really what is bothering you. Whenever my boyfriend goes out of town, I deal with missing him by cooking all the things he doesnt like, such as spicy food. That looks like progress to me. Similarly, with the do more cleaning thing theres plenty of plausible deniability, because living with someone who doesnt pick up after themselves sucks. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. This is a guy who shuts down when hes mad. Even if he genuinely wants you to be well and capable and happy, instead of just better conformed to the you he wants, hes being hlepy. I dont know what your boyfriends views on your therapist or on therapy in general are, but he might use a comment like this as evidence that your therapist clearly has no clue whats going on in your life so you should just listen to him and do everything he says. Out how to fix it ( without breaking up ) there by.! ; and examine your part in disputes or conflict at the end of any date, I tried... Or anything more than good enough you are doing, what choices youve made today first time episode pretty. Workshop I wanted to clarify that, unlike LWs boyfriend, I am going to have a short break the... Feel otherwise, and do not need to stop trying to make you feel,... 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An effort and this may surprise you asked him to not share diet advice post I thinking. Help but treat you differently your story really, really made the back hairs of my neck stand..
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